This is where I look back
by Misanagi
Summary: Quatre writes Duo a letter in hopes of answering a question about his past.


This is where I look back  
  
By Misanagi  
  
Rating: PG13  
  
Warnings: Slightly AU or canon/AU and a little angsty.  
  
Pairings: 4+2  
  
Spoilers: Parts of Quatre's Episode Zero  
  
Timeline: A year after Endless Waltz.   
  
Summary: Quatre writes Duo a letter in hopes of answering a question about his past.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.   
  
Archive: http://www.fanfiction.net/~Misanagi if you want it just ask.  
  
Feedback: Yes please! misanagi_zzz@hotmail.com  
  
Thanks to: Anne for being a wonderful beta reader who bears with the less than perfect grammar and spelling of a non-native English speaker.   
  
Yes, that's the question on everyone's mind; how did I become a Gundam pilot?  
  
Of course I don't explain to just anyone but since you are my best friend and you've decided that this little exercise would be fun, I think I can tell you the story. I'm willing to ignore the fact that I should be reading that merger proposal, returning the Council's calls, inspecting the new wing of the L4763 shipping center I'm constructing, or writing my speech for the next Confederated Colonies Assembly. Instead I'm going to dedicate the next two hours to do this for you… see how much I love you?  
  
But before we start, let me tell you that I'm not so sure of my writing skills. I know you think that this is something new that we can do and you know I'm up for it but I'm no Dostoyevsky so don't expect too much from me. Well, here it goes…  
  
When I was growing up I was a real brat. I think you could call me a spoilt rich kid and I'm sure that if, by some bizarre circumstance, we had met then, you would have probably punched me in the face. I know you don't believe me but it's true. I lived this boring little life where nothing was unattainable. I think you may want to punch me now but listen to me first.  
  
When I was little I read this book where a depressed lady was married to a rich man who gave her everything her heart desired. One day they were passing through a field filled with flowers. The lady stared at them and said that she wished she had one of them. As soon as the husband heard her words he told a servant to go gather a dozen flowers for his wife. She stopped him and I'll never forget what she said to him. She told him that if he loved her he will never give her a one of those flowers because if she ever had one, she could no longer wish for it. "Let me keep my wish," she said.  
  
I felt like I had lost my wish. [1]  
  
I had everything money could buy, I had more sisters than I could handle (even if only ten of them lived at the house then) and I had friends. I concede, they weren't the nicest friends but I didn't know any better. They were all rich kids, just like me, but even though we had so many things in common, I always felt that there was an invisible wall between us that I couldn't cross. We were never close and now I know it was for the best. After the war ended, and I returned to L4, I met with some of them. I remember sitting at the club bar, surrounded by four of my former friends and silently hoping that the alcohol would kick in to enable me to endure the torture they were putting me though.  
  
I know what you are thinking, Duo; I can just picture you snickering about the thought of me drinking. Well let me assure you of two things. Firstly, I was only drinking wine. I said I would never again drink a 'cocktail' made of solely Vodka and Tequila and I stick by it. And secondly, that wasn't my first time drinking - you were kind enough to share that experience with me, and now I know what too much alcohol can do to me, so I only drank a couple of cups.  
  
Anyway, as I was saying, I was a real pain. I was too busy feeling lost and unworthy to really think about what was happening around me. I didn't think the world was any bigger than my estate and I was bored. I drowned myself in self-pity by thinking that being born out of a test tube made me unworthy and I got bitter because of it. I ran away at least six times before that fateful encounter with the Maguanacs. I told you about that one. That's when I met Rashid and when I first started to wake up from the childish dream I was living. Nothing was the same after that.   
  
I returned home a changed person. I had opened my eyes and I was ready to really look at the world. I didn't like what I saw. I couldn't help myself; I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on around me and I felt so stupid and so useless just sitting at home and studying about economic theories.   
  
I wasn't the only one who changed though, my father did too. I still can't tell you if it was for better or for worst, maybe a little bit of both. When the shuttle landed on my colony he was waiting for me at the spaceport. He had never done that before - no matter how many times I had tried to run away, he was always too busy to come and meet me. I walked to him silently and stood in front of him. Years of private tutors had taught me that you are not supposed to talk to your elders unless they ask you something, so I stood and waited for him to speak first. I was more than surprised when he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. My father was never big at public displays of affection; he always thought it was inappropriate, so that was completely out of character for him. I didn't have time to react; the hug ended as quickly as it started and before I knew it, I was again standing in front of my father waiting for him to speak.  
  
"Get in the car, Quatre."  
  
It wasn't much of a greeting, but to me the hug was enough, so I silently got inside the limousine. He entered after me and soon the car was moving. He remained quiet and spent the journey looking out the window. I did the same, sometimes looking at him from the corner of my eye, but he never looked back at me, not once. We arrived home and Father left the car without saying a word to me. You may think this is weird, Duo, but the truth is that my father and I never really talked so we were actually back to normal.   
  
The first thing I noticed when I entered the house was that I wasn't suddenly assaulted by ten big sisters who felt overprotective of their little brother. However I didn't have much time to think about that since Armando, the butler, informed me that there was a doctor waiting in my room and that my father had instructed that I see him immediately.  
  
After I landed, I had been thinking about so many things that I had forgotten about my injuries. I had been hit by a bullet before the mobile suit battle. After the battle was over and I got out of my mobile suit, someone – I really don't remember who and I know I should – tended to my wound and bandaged it. Besides that, I only had a few bruises. The doctor stitched my wound and put on some bandages. I know that after all we've been through this doesn't seem like much but I've never been injured like that and it gave me the chance to look at my father in a different way. I remember that was the first time I thought that maybe my father was worried about me and not about the heir I was supposed to be.   
  
  
  
That night my father invited me to have dinner with him. My father usually worked late hours so we only met briefly during breakfast and that was it. Having dinner with him was something we only did on special occasions or when there was a guest at our home and he needed to show off his perfect family. I didn't ponder too much about it and assumed it was the latter. I had the second surprise of the day when I entered the dining room. My father was there, alone, waiting for me. I noticed that there were only two chairs and that the servants had only arranged two places on the table. No one else was coming.   
  
Dinner was quiet. I ate silently, wondering what was going on, but I knew that I had to wait for an answer. Children weren't supposed to question their parents. Finally, after the servants had taken away the dishes and cleaned the table, my father asked me to follow him to the study. That was something I was used to. When my father had orders to give to me he always asked me to meet him there. I felt like I was another employee he needed to deal with swiftly. Come to the office, receive instructions, leave, and follow them as expected.  
  
"Sit down, Quatre," he said, gesturing to the leather chairs in front of his desk. I did as I was told and patiently waited for him to get comfortable in his own chair and talk to me.  
  
"Recent events made me wonder about you, Quatre," he said in a detached tone. He was back to playing the role of the boss; it was all business to him. "I don't think that you are going in the right path and it's time to correct that. Your last stunt has showed me that you are very far from being the heir I want you to be. There are many things you need to learn and I'll make sure you do that. I think you are a strong person, Quatre, but your views are misguided. You showed me that your strength can be used for violence and I'll have none of that."   
  
My mouth was working before my brain could tell it that talking back to an elder was impolite and that to do it to my father was completely disrespectful. "Violence was needed then, Father. I don't support it but I think that sitting back and expecting others to fight for me is hypocritical and cowardly." That was the first time I had ever talked back to him and the first of many arguments of that nature that we would have over the next two years. I think he was as startled as me. I mean, I had my screaming fits at him but those were always about me being created and they never occurred when he was instructing me.   
  
He looked at me for a moment before he slapped me. That was the first and only time my father did that and I don't think it was because I interrupted him, but because of my words. Pacifism has always been the ideal defended by my family and I think that when my father heard his son defending another view, he felt betrayed.  
  
He looked at me with fury in his eyes for another moment and then continued his lecture as if nothing had happened. "I made arrangements for your sisters to go to a boarding school in another colony; that way they won't be distracting you and you can focus on your studies. They've already left." That explained the extremely quiet house. I didn't say a thing but I was really hurt. He made them leave and didn't even let them say goodbye to me. He continued as if it was just another trivial matter he'd got out of the way. "I have rearranged your schedule. From now on, instead of having lessons from eight to five, minus the lunch hour, you'll start your lessons at seven in the morning. You will work until noon when you can have a lunch hour and then your lessons will continue until six in the evening. If you still want to, you can have your two hours of music practice then, and do your assignments after dinner. Sundays are no longer your day off, you'll study from nine to four, with your lunch hour at noon." He paused and his eyes wandered for a moment before he continued. "You may think this schedule is demanding but I think that if you spent your time concentrating on your studies instead of daydreaming, you wouldn't have so many silly ideas in your head. That's all, Quatre. Breakfast would be served to you at six thirty from now on. You are dismissed."  
  
I know you too well, Duo, and I know what you are thinking. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't angry with him but it wasn't as bad as it sounds. In his own way he was looking out for me and he did what he thought was best. You and I may not agree with him but I never thought he did any of it to harm me.   
  
On a side note, I think now you can understand why I don't eat breakfast. Don't look at me… or the paper… that way! It makes sense, let me explain. I'd always loved running. I liked to just let go, to think of nothing as the cold wind plays with my hair, and everything I am feeling goes into the movement of my legs. It's liberating and I made it a daily practice when I was eight. Before my father changed everything, I always ran for forty five minutes at six thirty. That was the scheduled time for the artificial sunrise at my colony and I liked to contemplate it while I ran. Then I had just enough time to have a bath and eat breakfast before my lessons started. After my father decided to expand my "working" hours I had to rearrange everything. I got up at ten before six and begun my run ten minutes later. I got to see most of the sunrise before I had to rush to get a quick bath and be ready by seven o'clock. I had to make a decision between sleeping and eating and, for me, sleeping always wins. It wasn't that bad; my morning teachers gave me a fifteen minute break at ten o'clock so I was able to eat a snack. After some time I got used to it and now the simple thought of eating anything before ten makes me want to throw up. So there you go; another uncovered secret of the mysterious Quatre Winner.  
  
Back to the story; nothing major happened for the next six months. I got used to my new routine and my father was back to ignoring me. I concentrated on my studies, as instructed, but that didn't stop me from keeping tabs on what was happening in the world. My father and I still argued about it but we didn't see each other enough to make it a regular practice.   
  
One day my father called me to his study. He wasn't alone that time and I immediately recognized the person standing next to him. I had only exchanged a couple of words with him and apparently some of the things he said where true. He was an old scientist who had been working on MO III when the Maguanacs liberated the workers. When I met him he told me that he would come to hide at my home and he was telling the truth. I didn't know exactly who he was but I found out his name pretty soon.  
  
"Quatre, this is Instructor H." Okay, that isn't exactly a name but that's the only one he gave us. "He came here to do some upgrades on the colony rotation system. He is a bright man and he is inventing a new recycling system for the heat energy that will be very useful for us in the future. He has agreed to take you as his pupil. You can learn a lot from him so from now on you'll work with him all morning and after lunch resume your other lessons. The laboratory on the south wing is his now. He expects you to report at seven sharp. Remember, Quatre, that he is a very busy man, don't waste his time. You may leave." I nodded to him and to Instructor H and left the room.  
  
The next morning I rang the bell on the metallic door of the laboratory of the south wing. It was an underground facility that was as big as half of the estate and filled with expensive equipment. The door slid open and I man I've never seen before guided me to where H was waiting for me.   
  
"So we meet again, Quatre Winner."  
  
"It looks like it but I don't believe this was a chance meeting."  
  
H smiled and motioned me to sit down. "That's why I like you, boy, you are smart and that's just what I need."  
  
"And what am I needed for?" Suddenly the smile was wiped off H's face and a serious expression replaced it.   
  
"I know you are smart enough to know what is happening on the colonies, aren't you?"  
  
"The Federation is using the colonies for their benefit and the people are poor and oppressed because of it. Just because I'm lucky enough to be pampered, it doesn't mean that I'm ignorant or apathetic."  
  
"I know, boy; you are just what I'm looking for. You are smart and kind, you care enough for the people and on top of that you are one hell of a pilot."  
  
I just stared at him. I waited patiently for what he had to say and I kept a neutral expression even though my instincts were telling me that something important was about to happen.  
  
"The only way to free the colonies is to attack the Alliance. Peaceful ways are not working and while some politicians sit in comfortable hotels, pretending to discuss the situation; children are dying because no one is taking care of the problem." He paused and cleared his throat. "Quatre, I know you want to do something about this, now my question is if you are willing to fight for what you believe in - are you prepared to give your life to the cause?"  
  
  
  
I could say that that was the moment my life changed but it wasn't. By then I already knew what I wanted and what I was willing to do. My meeting with the Maguanacs had taught me that, H only provided me with the next step I had to follow.  
  
"Yes."  
  
I'm sure you know what happened next, at least the training part; I'm sure it wasn't that different from what G taught you. If you think about it we were the only ones who needed a crash soldier course. Heero had been an assassin since he can remember and Trowa was a mercenary. Wufei was a scholar but he was trained in martial arts since he was very young so that only left the two of us. It's funny when you think about it, we couldn't have come from more different backgrounds, but at the end we had to do the same to catch up to the rest. Well, I bet you had some prior… skills… that were rather useful but you know what I mean.  
  
Anyway, H did a physical test on me. After he determined I was in great shape he began the training. He was building Sandrock at the time so the first piloting lessons were done on simulators. He said I had a natural talent which may explain how I was able to defeat all those suits when I fought with the Maguanacs.  
  
That was a very interesting year and a half. I spent the mornings learning how to deactivate bombs, fire all type of weapons, hack into restricted Alliance files, pilot an uncompleted prototype mobile suit, some combat and endurance training, simple medical instruction, studying strategies and learning to process battle data to come up with the best tactic - all while helping to build Sandrock. I had lunch and after that I had history, debate, business management, economy, statistics and dance lessons. Yes, Duo, dance lessons. All "proper" kids had them.  
  
H decided that he wanted me to focus especially on the strategy part. He said I had a fast mind and that I tended to analyze things pretty well and that would be helpful on the battle field and yes it was. Well, I don't need to tell you that.  
  
H finally finished Sandrock and he told me that time was up; I needed to talk to my father. It was not like I was hiding from him. I never saw him anyway and whenever I did we just argued again but this time was going to be different. I wouldn't be talking hypothetically, I was leaving and I needed to at least try to get his approval.  
  
  
  
He was in his study but I didn't want to talk to him there. He had taught me well and I wasn't about to approach an important issue on his territory. I needed to get him on a neutral ground where he wouldn't have an advantage over me. I knocked on the door and waited for the "come in".  
  
He wasn't expecting me; I could tell by the way he stared back. "What is it, Quatre?"  
  
"I need to talk to you, Father," I said with an even voice. I kept my eyes firmly locked on his so he would know I was serious and I wasn't backing down.  
  
He sighted. "Very well, come in."  
  
"I think we would be more comfortable in the living room, Father," I said, with the same even tone. He looked at me for a moment. He was surprised at first and I think he even got angry for a short moment but the curiosity won the battle. I think he wanted to know why I was using all the tricks he had taught me, on him. He didn't say anything; he just got up and started walking to the living room. I followed and smiled mentally. I had won the first battle.  
  
He sat on one of the chairs in front of the fire place and I sat on the other one. He looked at the empty fireplace before he directed his eyes to me, telling me silently that he was ready to hear what I wanted to say.  
  
"Father I'm leaving," Go straight to the point. This gives you leverage against your opponent. Not taking the time to make small talk gives you an air of superiority. "The situation in the colonies is only getting worst and I plan to do something about it." Inform first, explain later.   
  
"And how do you plan to do this?" Be condescending but be sure to talk down to your opponent; his resolve will crumble or he will let the anger take control of him.   
  
"I'm going to earth to fight the Alliance." Selective hearing is your friend; ignore any attempt to get on your nerves.  
  
"And what is a boy like you going to do against an organization as powerful as the Alliance?" Use your opponent's weaknesses; make him feel smaller than the smallest ant.   
  
I smiled. "I'm going to defeat them."  
  
I don't know exactly what happened then but I think my confident smile was the thing that got him the most. That was not part of the game he taught me; I was showing my emotions and that was an emotion he never expected. He was used to the other me; the one who only ranted about being unworthy and had absolutely no pride or confidence. Maybe that was what threw him off and made him lose his cool. Before I knew what was happening, he was out of his chair and screaming at me at the top of his lungs. He screamed about pacifism, the family, my foolishness, my disobedient behavior and how everything I did reflected on him and the company among other select topics.   
  
At first I just sat and listened but after hearing that he wouldn't have a murderer for a son, I was screaming back at him. I don't know how much time we spent like that before he gave up and used his secret weapon.  
  
"Listen to me, Quatre. If you do this you will no longer be my son. I have no problem disinheriting you and I will do it if you persist with this foolish idea."  
  
I remained silent for a moment and I know he thought he had won. I could see it in his smile; he assumed that I could never live without the money, he thought all I cared about were my many material possessions and that I couldn't even imagine existing in a universe where I wasn't wealthy. He was wrong.   
  
"Fine, Mr. Winner. I'll leave the premises by nightfall." I turned around and didn't look back.  
  
It's funny how things worked out. By the end of the day I was already on my way to Earth to fight for peace and what I believed was right. When I accepted H's proposition I knew that I wasn't just sacrificing my body but also my soul. You know what I'm talking about, even if you are Shinigami, the pain of the ones you kill never goes away. When I killed my first soldiers, (yes, soldiers, there were many and they refused to surrender) I knew I was killing myself in the process. I accepted that and wondered if I would even survive and have to live with what I had done. When I came to this revelation I remembered my father and laughed bitterly. He could never take more from me than what I had already taken myself. I don't want to write about my father's death but I can tell you that after I accepted his death, I realized that not even he could prevent me from my destiny. Winner Enterprises would be my future and nothing, not him, and not even two wars, would save me from it.  
  
I'm sorry, Duo, I really didn't want to go there. You asked me how I became a Gundam pilot and there is the answer. You know the rest of the story. I found in a war the friends I never truly had and they became my family. We managed to do the impossible and survive; we became really close and I even found a best friend. He is fantastic. He loves his friends and he would do anything for them, he is intelligent and always manages to get me out of trouble, he is fun and a good listener and he has managed to distract a stressed billionaire who was nearing his breaking point.  
  
Duo, thanks for reminding me what's truly important. You've always been there for me and I can tell you that having friends like you makes me happy I chose this path. I wouldn't change a thing. This is where I look back and smile, it's been worth it.  
  
-Quatre.  
  
Notes:  
  
[1] This is a real book. It's called The Glassblower's Children by Maria Gripe. I read it (in Spanish) when I was eight and I reread it when I was ten. The flower scene remained on my mind since the first time I read it. There was a moment when I couldn't remember anything about the book but that small part. I don't remember it exactly but I figured Quatre wouldn't either. This is an excellent children's novel and if you have the chance I would definitely recommend reading it. 


End file.
